• Jul. 26th, 2010 at 12:45 AM
the_wanlorn: The Doubtful Guest (Default)
HELLO THE INTERNET. I am going on vacation! I, in fact, leave on Tuesday! At sometime around 7! So I can take the train into Boston and catch a midnight bus to NYC and fuck around for a couple hours at, like, ass o'clock in the morning (no, really, if the bus runs on schedule, I'll get there around 4am) and catch another bus to Loltimore! And get there around 11:30am!

At which point I will have been up for nearly 24 hours and will want to murder everyone in the world. No, really, my reaction to, like, someone saying "Hi!" will be "I WILL MURDER YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY AND BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN AND PISS IN THE ASHES I HATE YOU FUCK OFF AND DIE >>>>>>>>>>>>:(" It occurs to me that the midnight bus was maybe a bad idea, even though it was only a dollar.

And then I will be gone for a week!

BUT REALLY, I AM MAKING THIS POST TO SAY that I have reached the pre-vacation point where there is nothing on god's green earth that I want to do less than go on vacation. It's like, wait, I have to leave my apartment? For longer than a couple hours? NOBODY TOLD ME THAT WHEN I SIGNED UP I WANT A REFUND.

Which is why I have been avoiding pretty much all of the internet, because it has me incredibly cranky and angry at everything. But at least I am okay enough to recognize that this isn't actually a reason to cancel because it happens every time I have to interact with people (LET'S NOT DISCUSS ALL THE TIMES I HAVE ALMOST CANCELED ON [personal profile] mona COMING OVER EVEN THOUGH THE ONLY EFFORT IT WOULD TAKE ME IS TO MOVE FROM MY BEDROOM TO THE LIVING ROOM). As opposed to, say, last year, when I think I canceled 90% of my plans to get together with people.

SO. There's that. I think I'm gonna go make [personal profile] everysecondtuesday give me whatever she has of a mod post for [community profile] coconutcurrytapenade so I can maybe finish it and feel less like I'm shirking all my duties.
the_wanlorn: The Doubtful Guest (Default)
Hello, internet! How are you today?

Have I mentioned lately my rifuckingdiculous anxiety? Yes? Well I am going to mention it again, anyway! Because oh my god, let me tell you internet, that is some fucking paralyzing anxiety right there.

My current course of action for everything I do is "Oh man, I need to do $THING right now. I should be working on $THING right now. But instead I think I'm going to obsess about how I can't do it and stare at my computer/book/etc. and maybe shake a little. Because oh my god I can't do this what the fuck was I even thinking jesus christ. But fuck I need to be doing $THING right now. Oh christ I am never going to do $THING and then I am going to die fuck fuck fuck. Okay, I'm gonna start $THING now, or maybe throw up, or maybe both. ...oh, hey, this isn't actually that hard."




[personal profile] shadowkitty and [personal profile] everysecondtuesday are fucking saints for putting up with me getting my crazy all over them at least once a day.

So I'm counting down the days until my next doctor appointment so I can go "HEY REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU MY ANXIETY WAS FINE? TOTALLY A LIE. :(" and hopefully get idefk because this is fucking ridiculous, and it is every day. And sometimes I spend all having a... idk, low-grade panic attack. I want to punch myself in the face all the time because calm down you are overreacting and making shit up what the fuck none of this has any basis in reality oh my god take a chill pill.

In other news, the dog is flipping out at the window because there's a cat outside and he is not out there to try to make friends with it.



  • Jun. 18th, 2010 at 10:15 PM
the_wanlorn: The Doubtful Guest (Default)
Yesterday, my internet company called, and was like "uno your bill would be 12 bucks cheaper if you signed up for one of our other services." And I was like "No thanks, I'm not at all interested in them!" TOTALLY EXPECTING THAT THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH TO GET THE DUDE OFF THE PHONE. But no, he was like "...why not?"

...man, I did not have an answer prepared that wasn't, you know, the "because I either pirate or stream my TV until the DVDs come out and I can buy them" truth. (Speaking of DVDs, my A-Team DVDs will get here sometime in the next two weeks! THE DVD BOX IS SHAPED LIKE THE VAN YOU GUYS. So excited.)

Anyway, this is why I hardly ever answer the phone. If I don't have an answer prepared, I get all flummoxed and can't think of simple things like "because I steam everything from the channel's website, thank you, good bye!"

IN OTHER NEWS. It finally clicked that the reason why my anxiety has been through the fucking roof for the past six months is because I'm on fucking wellbutrin, and all of the meds I've tried before have done something for the ridiculous anxiety too, so I just assumed that wellbutrin would too, because I'm an idiot.

Fucking brain.


  • Jun. 3rd, 2010 at 11:23 PM
the_wanlorn: The text "Why do you always have to take it to an ugly place?" (In Plain Sight: Ugly Place)
I am suddenly SUPER FRUSTRATED. Like, I have been fairly okay all day, and now I'm like I WANT TO PUNCH THE WORLD IN THE FACE. AND MAYBE THE KIDNEYS. And I have no fucking idea why beyond sudden mood swing.

It is possibly because of the slight lack of food today (no, self, corn chips, a slice of pizza, a soda, a gross cookie, and some kefir is not enough calories for an entire day stop forgetting to eat) but everything I want to eat will take too long to cook so I am just saving it for tomorrow.

(Who has barbecue ribs? I HAVE BARBEQUE RIBS. Who just realized she probably does not have anything big enough to cook them in? I JUST REALIZED etc etc etc)

Hey who wants to see pictures of a garter snake?

Cute animal photos are always a good way to end an entry, right? )


Poll #3317 Fuck yeah, feet!
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 10

Who wants to see the rope burn on my foot?

View Answers

9 (90.0%)

...no, not so much.
1 (10.0%)

Okay now tell me a 255 character story about something. (OPTIONAL but I will be sad if you don't)


View Answers

2 (22.2%)

0 (0.0%)

chicka chicka chicka chicka
3 (33.3%)

3 (33.3%)

4 (44.4%)

That was only funny to maybe three people, you know.
3 (33.3%)


  • Jun. 2nd, 2010 at 11:04 PM
the_wanlorn: The Doubtful Guest (Default)
Oh jesus internet, I have so many emails (and other forms of non-IM electronic communication) to reply to. So, so many. And instead of working on replying to them, I'm sitting here going "DDDDD: OH JESUS THAT ONE IS FROM LAST WEEK DDDDDD: I AM SUCH AN AWFUL PERSON DDDDDDDD: THAT PERSON MUST BE SO CROSS WITH ME FOR BEING SO RUDE DDDDDDDDDDDDDD:"

Because that is so helpful.

SO IF YOU'VE SENT ME AN EMAIL/COMMENT/PM/ETC AND I HAVE NOT REPLIED I am sorry. My goal for the week is to get it back down to my base level of "emails I can't deal with because I've let them go for so long but I need to deal with them because I'm a horrible person if I don't" emails (the majority of which are from last year).

(I am probably never actually going to respond to those.)

Also! Apparently, even though there are summer classes, my college's health center is not open during the summer. Which is SORT OF A PROBLEM as I NEED TO GET REFILLS FOR MY MEDS IN A BIT LESS THAN A MONTH. I was able to dig out the referral the first dude wrote for me so that the insurance will pay for visits to an actual meds doctor, but I am paralyzed by having to find someone near me and call them and find out if they are taking new patients and make an appointment. THIS IS SUPER UNFORTUNATE.

IN HAPPIER NEWS today has been spent collecting and sifting through everything I have related to my AWESOME NOVEL THAT IS SO AWESOME (and by "everything" I mean "my writing journal because getting my external drive off the shelf is too much effort"). AND, INTERNET, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU:

WILL I ALWAYS BE INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSMENT SQUICKED BY THINGS I WROTE LAST YEAR? I mean, if I write something today, and I look back on it in a year, am I going to be embarrassment squicked by how awful it is? BECAUSE, LET ME TELL YOU, THAT MAKES IT AWFUL HARD TO BUCKLE DOWN AND WRITE ANYTHING. BECAUSE PRACTICE IS FOR LOSERS.

Man, this is not at all the two and a half book reviews I wanted to write today.

I have been tired all fucking day.

  • Jun. 1st, 2010 at 11:22 PM
the_wanlorn: Words Can Change the World (Words Change)
I would like to pretend that I actually have something to say here, internet, but I don't. I've been exhausted for no reason all day, my foot hurt so much last night that I started crying but when I woke up it didn't hurt at all so I guess the epic pain was worth it, and my anxiety has decided that now would be a great time to rear its ugly head and start being an asshole again.

It has also hit that point in time where I'm going ">:( THE BOOK THAT I WANT TO READ DOES NOT EXIST THEREFORE I MUST WRITE IT >:(" and poking at the book I've been working on for... well, a while. And I'm realizing that, for all the amount of F/F porn/erotica I have, I am still really fucking shit at writing F/F sex scenes. Never even fucking mind F/F/F ones.

So, have a meme instead.

It's that book meme. )


  • May. 28th, 2010 at 11:56 PM
the_wanlorn: The Doubtful Guest (Default)
OH GOD I HAVE EIGHT MINUTES TO MAKE A POST SO THAT THIS DAY ISN'T BLANK ON THE CALENDAR IN THE SIDEBAR I think I am maybe getting to neurotic about this. Son of a bitch, and I don't have any already done posts in my TEN SAVED FILES IN MY LJ FOLDER >:(

Okay, internet, tell me about the last thing you watched.


Ugh, self.

  • May. 6th, 2010 at 11:40 PM
the_wanlorn: The text "Is it just me, or have we just been wrong all day long?" (In Plain Sight: Wrong All Day)
That empty space for May 4 is making me make >:( faces (I will honestly defriend the first person to suggest that I backdate an entry). And now I'm sitting here going "WELL, THERE'S NO POINT IN POSTING NOW BECAUSE YOU'VE MISSED A DAY >:(" I have the same problem with 750words, because I forgot on Wednesday, because I was working on my sister's graduation present. I was making a bunch of these out of 47/64" (not quite ¾") squares so I could make this as a substitute for a baseball.

What I am saying is, I have a real fucking problen with ~all-or-nothing thinking~. HOORAY FOR MENTAL ILLNESS.

Anyway, today I made cupcakes, and man. Four years ago, sifting flour was the Worst Thing Ever. But apparently now, I find it kind of fun. They're for my mum for Mother's Day, so most of them are sitting in the freezer, waiting for Sunday morning so I can frost them.

I saved a couple to practice frosting with, and made some whipped cream frosting (AS ONE DOES) and made some piping bags and learned two things! 1) Leaves are only slightly harder than they look to make. 2) Holy shit I can not make roses at all. IDEFK WHAT THOSE THINGS I MADE WERE, BUT THEY WERE NOT ROSES.

Now most of those are sitting in the fridge, so I can figure out if the whipped cream frosting will hold up well enough so that I can frost them at home on Sunday morning and bring them to my parents', or if I have to pack up my shit and frost them over there. So far, they are still looking good!

THINGS I HAVE NOT DONE YET: Watched Lost, watched In Plain Sight. It appears I'm at that time of year where the idea of watching a show that I really love makes me incredibly anxious. It's such a pain in the ass.

Oh my god I did not realize that I did not post this entry when I finished it. D: D: D: OOPS.
the_wanlorn: The Doubtful Guest (Default)
It always kind of amazes me how much my unreasonable* paranoia lessens when I'm properly medicated. Last summer, I obsessively tried to get home before full dark hit, because walking across the yard to the front door wasn't "Fuck yeah, grass on my feet, about to eat dinner, life is good!" so much as "Okay, turn off the headlights at the last possible second and hurry up and lock the car and get to the front door and inside before Some Thing comes rasping out of the cemetery next door** to eat you but don't run because then it will know you're afraid and attack sooner and close the door behind you and stand back against it until you get your key out*** so if it tries to get in you can hold the door shut and walk-don't-run down the stairs to your apartment and unlock it and get inside and lock it behind you." When I had to let the dog out after dark, when I called him in, it wasn't ":D Hello dog! Get inside!" so much as me making ":|" faces and trying to figure out if he was actually my dog or just a dog that looked like my dog and had my dog's collar or not even a dog at all just a thing that looked like my dog.

...That all sounded a whole hell of a lot less crazy in my head.

IN OTHER NEWS. YOU GUYS I AM SO PROUD OF ME YOU HAVE NO IDEA. FIRST OF ALL, not only did I finish fic, but I posted fic. To my own journal! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HUGE OF AN ACCOMPLISHMENT THAT IS FOR ME. I totally forgot that when you don't post your fic to a sock, people who aren't your close friends actually comment. :DDDDDD

AND THEN RIGHT. AND THEN!!!! I got this delightful message in my email:

GSoC Acceptance Email

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <-- MY THOUGHTS AT THAT POINT

Oh my god my proposal got accepted for GSoC and I am working with Dreamwidth and I got six months paid time from [staff profile] denise (WHICH OH MY GOD THANK YOU :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ) and BASICALLY WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS HOLY SHIT BEST. DAY. EVER.

Also, while I was out fucking around with the dog at my parents' yesterday, I realized that it's my favorite time of year again! If I ever get married, I want to be married in the mini orchard while all the apple trees are in bloom. In a couple months, that part of the yard will be full of free snacks and free pie filling. :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Our apple trees in bloom. )

Dusting, by Marilyn Nelson )

* For a definition of unreasonable where the two examples I am about to tell are unreasonable, but things like paranoia about people lying to me all the time is totes reasonable.
** Next door as in four or five yards away.
*** The front door doesn't have a lock.

Amy Lowell, "The Taxi"

  • Apr. 19th, 2010 at 12:33 AM
the_wanlorn: The Doubtful Guest (Default)


Fic you had better turn out absofuckinglutely amazingly to make up for this and fandom better fucking worship you or I will TOS this planet.

jfc after spending most of the day shaking with anxiety for no fucking reason this is not how I wanted to end it. >:( WHERE IS MY REWARD FOR DEALING WITH IT AND NOT FALLING TO PIECES, WORLD? FYI, "REMEMBERING TO MAKE A POST" WOULD HAVE BEEN A FINE REWARD. >>>>>>:(

I'm going to eat a cadbury egg and go to bed.

The Taxi, by Amy Lowell )

Elizabeth Bishop, "Sandpiper"

  • Apr. 3rd, 2010 at 11:42 AM
the_wanlorn: The Doubtful Guest (Default)
Every time I open Semagic to make a post, I feel guilty, because I have all this shit I want to say about this book that I am reading that I store in here except I can't say it until I finish the book (I KNOW. ON THE TOPIC OF CRAZY THINGS I DO: I have managed to convince myself that if I don't end my braid with the shortest third of hair in between the two longer thirds the entire world will end and it will be all my fault so I have to carefully make sure I stop braiding while my hair looks like |i| and not i|| or ||i and every time I am like "self this is ridiculous" and try to leave it like one of the last two and then end up undoing the braid and rebraiding it so that the short bit is in the middle again.) so it's just sitting here in Semagic glaring at me because instead of finishing the book I am backreading some person's lolzy blog. NICE SELF.

Anyway, today is going to be a productive day! I am going to go to the grocery store, and then I am going to do work, and then I am going to finish this book! THAT IS EVERYTHING I AM GOING TO DO TODAY AND I AM CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO FAFF ABOUT ON THE INTERNET ALL DAY LIKE I USUALLY DO ON SATURDAYS (note: this is probably a lie). Maybe I will also try to plot out this zombie apocalypse fic. That could be fun!

Also, Tumblr ate one of my queued posts yesterday instead of posting it, and I have no idea what it was, except that A) it was an image, and B) my commentary on said image was "♥". LET ME TELL YOU, THAT IS SUPER UNHELPFUL, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT 90% OF THE IMAGES ON MY COMPUTER. In any case, even though I have scoured the Picture folders on both my laptop and my external, I have not been able to figure out what it was. This is mildly distressing.

(ALSO (I keep coming back to add stuff to this post wtf) IT WAS WICKED HOT OUT YESTERDAY WHICH MEANS SUMMER IS ACTUALLY COMING WHICH MEANS FARMER'S MARKETS WHICH MEANS DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS FOOD FUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I am excited and I wish that there were farmer's markets in the winter because then winter would be PERFECT and not just SUPER GREATER THAN SUMMER BUT NOT QUITE PERFECT. And man, I am kind of regretting not getting a goat share this summer even though I didn't because I haaaaaaaaaaaate the new assistant director/farm manager. MY LIFE; SO HARD ;___;)

Sandpiper, by Elizabeth Bishop )

Oh crazydoctor

  • Oct. 2nd, 2009 at 4:33 PM
the_wanlorn: The Doubtful Guest (Default)
The crazydoctor I saw for a couple months and then she never showed up to an appointment and I was like "Well I guess I'm just going to not call her and hope she never calls me to set up a new appointment because I don't need a crazydoctor I guess." just called and was like "Hey, how you doing, I'd like to set up a followup appointment."

Followup to what? I did not ask. I just set up an appointment because I'm too idek what to say "Actually! I was thinking it would be a better idea for me to find someone closer to my work!"

So now I'm going to be two hours late to work on Tuesday because her earliest appointment is 9 and her latest appointment is still during work hours. WHAT FUN.



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MICHAEL: One evening, a patient was brought into my clinic in the middle of the night. He was tortured so badly I couldn’t believe he was still breathing. A man was with him. It was the man on your radio. I’ll never forget the voice. He put a gun to my head and explained to me that my patient had robbed him and that he wanted me to save him so the pain would last longer. I did what I could. He said to come here for my money — my blood money. There’s a place between life and death. Amazing how long a man can linger there.
PRESCOTT: That’s enough, all right? Okay. Bring everything upstairs. We’re getting out of here. Tony? Tony, can you hear me?
THUG: What the hell is going on?
MICHAEL: I know this guy. He’ll have people outside the bank, in your truck,and on your boat. You have no idea who you’re dealing with.
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