The Wanlorn (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
the_wanlorn) wrote2004-05-17 09:57 pm
the_wanlorn) wrote2004-05-17 09:57 pm
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Thinking is not a good things...
FUCK. I just typed up a REALLY long entry, and my computer decided to die and lose it all on me!! Goddamned bastard hunk of SHIT. It should be tossed into a trash heap or something. For Christ's sake, is it too much to ask for that it works for longer than 5 minutes every once-in-a-while??? Anyway. I'm going to try to retype it all out. And post it. Goddamnit. So. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and that's never a good thing. One of these days I'm going to learn that thinking never does me any good; it just makes me more miserable than before. So much of my life would be better if some things would just go away (but isn't that true for everyone?). For example, as of right now I can't straighten my left knee and I can't bend it all that far, either. The ligament-tendon-muscle-thingy behind my knee is all fucked up and pulled and sore. Or something like that. Point being it hurts like a bitch, and has since 'bout three quarters of the way into the walk yesterday (hahahaha, I've gotten so good at disguising my limping over the past couple years it's pathetic). So why didn't you put ice on it yesterday? I can hear all of ya who're reading this asking. Cuz, you know, clearly I would never have thought of that on my own… See, I would have done that, quite gladly last night had I been home completely and totally alone. Or if I had been alone downstairs. As it was, mum was there. And if I had gotten ice (or let Jon get me ice or whatever) she would've started in on me. "Why are you doing that? Just take some Advil and it'll be fine tomorrow." And then after Jon left, she would have started on about how it was my own fault that my knee hurt and that I shouldn't be whining about it and that it's cuz I'm such a fat cow and never do anything and all of that. And I'd go put ice on it now, but then she'd start yelling at me cuz I never put ice on it yesterday, and then go into all the other stuff. Clearly, it's a catch-22 and I can't win. Which is why I'll make jokes about me being a cripple in skool and "suffer" in silence at home. My life would be so much easier if my family would just go away. I spent all dinner listening to my sister babble on about what a disgusting abhorrence same sex marriages are. I wanted to kill her. I mean, I know it shouldn't bother me cuz I've lived with my family's small-townyness all my life, but it still does. Keeping in theme with the "going away" gist of this; well, kind of keeping in theme with it. Sorta. If you cock your head and squint your eyes a bit. This is another thing I was thinking about today. Actually, the main thing I was thinking about. I realized (well, not exactly realized; I knew this before, I just didn't particularly care before) something about myself. Whenever I start getting close to people, whenever they start actually mattering to me, I start trying my damnedest to push them away. I mean, for the most part I don't consciously do it. I just start getting really unhappy for no apparent reason, like, "Hmmm… Let's see just how unhappy I can get for how long before ___ decides I'm just not worth the effort?" And then I'm grouchy and obnoxiously annoying, too. I dunno. I really feel bad about it and I'm trying to stop. But it's like… Hurt them before they hurt me, ya know? Anyway, I have more thoughts on this, but I really have to go do some HW so that I don't fail. Adieu. |
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and im sorry that your sister is closeminded and from a cowtown. i cant wait to grow up and get out of spencer and move somewhere way more liberal. and im sorry about your knee and your catch 22 and your mean mamma.
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