Fuck

[the_wanlorn]

School is not cool. Like, really not cool. In a very very bad way.

I hate feeling like this and I hate not knowing what to do about it. I hate that I don't care about school in the slightest, but I know that I should cuz it's important. I hate that I have this inability to sit down and do work until right before it's due, and then I just end up freaking out about it and putting it off some more.

I hate that I wake up and want to go right back to sleep. That I can't stop agonizing over everything that I should be doing, yet I can't be arsed to do any of it.

I hate that I know that in a couple days I'm going to be looking back on this and laughing at the utter foolishness of it, but that's not the overwhelmed feeling go away any quicker.

I don't want to write this fucking paper, I don't want to read any more of the fucking book, I don't want to go to fucking skool tomorrow, I just want to curl up in a corner and DIE.

I seriously do not want towrite this paper. At all. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to have to transfer all the cool shit I'm thinking about onto paper. I don't want to go look through the books to go find quotes to support myself. Which is STUPID cuz I could find quotes to support the most wacked out theory if I wanted to.

I don't want to be up at 7am tomorrow to go to fucking school so I can get a fucking "Education". I don't want to sit through another CS class and be totally lost cuz i'm a stupid fuckwad. I don't wanna sit through another calc class and die of boredom learning shit I'm NEVER GONNA USE AGAIN. I don't wanna sit through another lit class, way in the back, half-zoned out cuz I don't want to add anything to the conversation cuz what if people think I'm stupid? I don't wanna go talk to my academic advisor. I don't wanna write a paper detailing my accomplishments in my senior project cuz I basically have to say "I had a bit of a mental breakdown in November and haven't done a lick of work since then." I'm sick of school, I'm sick of thinking about college, I'm sick of thinking about scholarships, I'm sick of being in "college". And WTF is with people trying to reason with me? Seriously, if you ask me right now if I hate all the people in the campus center and hanging out with them and the laptops, of COURSE I'm going to say yes. Cuz guess what? I DO.

And, like, I'm going to go to school tomorrow and Mrs. Ferrell's gonna be like, "Dude, where's your senior project paper? And you never met with me last term so why don't you come meet with me now?" and I'm gonna start crying and it's NOT GONNA BE COOL. And Misty Dodge is gonna be a total bitch about my classes and interrogating me about whether or not I"m going to them and it's like, "DON'T YOU GET THAT I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMIORE??" And I just wanna stop crying and feel okay again.

Comments

[piratezim.livejournal.com]

bloop

[crazyasitsounds.livejournal.com]

[edallia.livejournal.com]

I realize I haven't commented in your LJ in a while, and you're probably thinking, who the hell...? But I read this, and it pulled at my heartstrings because I've so been there. I empathize so clearly with your situation. You're an intellectual person, and you've worked hard to get where you are. From one hardworking intellectual to another, I'll tell you... we burn out from time to time. It becomes too much of the same, and we ask ourselves why the hell we're doing this and what's the point?

Things always come together in the end and get done, but the stress we deal with in the meantime is so difficult.

Hang in there, and get your piece of paper. It helps. Take the word of someone who rationalized her way into dropping out of college altogether. Now I work in a grocery store for crap per hour, wearing a smock. Don't let this be you. :)

Mental hugs from Edallia...

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

Wow. Thank you thank you thank you. :-) All my friends are all okay and happy-ish, and my sanity "iz pastede on yey!1!one!" right now and I thought I was just a loser with non-existent coping-with-life abilities.

It's so good to hear someone else say that, "Yes, burnout does happen."

Again, thank you. :-) Your comment made my day, if not better, at least more manageable. :-)

[edallia.livejournal.com]

All my friends are all okay and happy-ish, and my sanity "iz pastede on yey!1!one!" right now

*giggle* Yes, I know the feeling. I used to think, "hey, everyone else appears to be FINE! They're handling their lives! Why can't I?" The truth is, NO ONE can handle their life, some of us just hide it better than others. I was always one to wear my heart on my sleeve and show my troubles.... but logically, everyone else has to be having some degree of them, too.

Burnout is my middle name. Happened in high school. Happened in college. Hell, it happens out there in "real life" as well. Happening to me right now. But it goes in cycles, and I feel like a responsible adult as often as I feel like a neurotic mess.

Glad I could help in any way. :) Keep on keepin' on.

[iheartmunkies.livejournal.com]

I love you!

I'm always here for you when you need me because you take care of me during my breakdowns! Yay for Nire! Mucho amor!

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

I love you too! And you always take care of me during my brakdowns (least, when I tell you they're happening, you do), so we're even! Mucho amor por la Lexi!