The Wanlorn (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
the_wanlorn) wrote2005-08-08 12:47 am
the_wanlorn) wrote2005-08-08 12:47 am
Entry tags:
You won the battle and lost the war.
It's odd how I feel more productive on my laptop than I do sitting in front of my computer. I think this is something that was wired into my brain during the last NaNoWriMo. I always managed to get more done when I was sitting in some coffee shop with a beat up, 10-year-old laptop and a hand of other writers than when I was sitting alone at home on my nice, new computer.
In any case, I find myself gravitating toward my laptop whenever I have something serious to write. Even if this means that I'm sitting in front of my computer, talking to people on AIM, with my laptop in my lap. Some days it sucks not to have wireless.
Right, so. I move out in a bit less than a month and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Where "thinking" is code for "freaking the fuck out inside".
Now, don't get me wrong. I can't wait to get away from my family. I haven't had the happiest childhood, or the best relationship with my parents and siblings, or anything that makes me regret leaving.
Except my bed. I have the comfiest bed ever. I'm going to miss it.
I can't wait to be relatively on my own. I can't wait to be in control of what I'm doing and where I'm going and such. I'm not dreading leaving the cushy security of never having to pay for anything and having my parents provide for me.
No, what I'm dreading is leaving my friends.
It's really the strangest thing. I'm convinced that I'm going to go off to college and everyone is going to stop talking to me. That no one's going to want to see me anymore. That it's going to become too much of a hassle when I live further away and that everyone - Lando, Jacki, and Jose included - are going to say "fuck it" and just stop.
Part of it is based in how I'm not going to be able to see everyone as often as I do. Whenever I want to they're going to have to pick me up from a T station (which is what I've designated everything everywhere, by the by. What, it has four wheels and drives on a road and is called a bus? And the thing it stops at is a bus stop? "Heathens!" I cry. "Everything is a T station! Your mom is a T station!"). Then let me crash on a couch because I am not going home for the first couple months, if I can help it. Then take me back to the T station in the morning.
And this is where my big "issue" with self confidence comes into play. I'm positive that it's not worth it. It's not worth the time and gas money for anyone to want to see me. They're not going to want to because I'm just an annoying, bratty kid. I never invite people over because they think (in my mind) that it's not worth it to drive half an hour or more to see me, so I might as well not even ask. But I'm desperate so I'll drive to Civilization or Rich CowTown or The City every time. I'm just pathetic like that.
Another part of it is that I have bad experiences with people leaving. People who move away or go off to college stop talking to me. It's as though it's impossible to be my friend if you can't seem me frequently. Lexi seems to be the exception to this rule, but Lexi is the exception to every rule. So I can't exactly use her as my people-barometer
Now, logically, that's wrong. First of all, I would be the one doing it since I'm the one leaving. Second of all, it's not as if I've ever seen Lando and Jose and Jacki and such people. Yet, hey, they're still friends with me! It's a miracle! So my changing locations shouldn't exactly create some sort of problem.
Logically nothing's really going to change. I'm still in the same state. I'm still within driving distance of all the people I consider friends. I'm still within talking distance of the friends I've never met.
Logically, I'm closer to Lexi. Logically, I can still get to my other friends. Logically this, logically that, logically logically logically.
Have I ever mentioned that I'm not good at viewing things logically?
That was one of the things that, I think, drove Jon nuts about me. I easily convince myself of things, I easily blow shit out of proportions, I easily start freaking out. I can step back and see why I'm being an emotional idiot and why I'm totally wrong, but I can't seem to stop being a totally wrong emotional idiot. And, because I trusted him, I felt comfortable in freaking out in front of him so that I'd have someone to calm me down and tell me I was W R O N G.
And look! He left for college! And less than two months in, we pretty much stopped speaking!
So, logically, anyone who would do the things that keep me up worrying all night wasn't all that much of a friend in the first place. Logically I should embrace that I'm going to be gone from this house soon and be 100% happy (minus the whole leaving-my-bed thing. Have I ever mentioned how damned comfy that bed is? It's like you're sinking into a pile of cloud.).
Logically, it shouldn't bother me when people start talking about how long it is until I leave, what I'm doing to get ready, stuff like that. Logically I shouldn't start thinking about how I'm never going to see that person again.
And yet, I do. And then my heart's racing and my stomach feels like someone has their fist in there and is squeezing everything. And suddenly it's too hot and I'm sweating and I've forgotten how to breathe and ohgodsI'mgonnadie.
Yet, I'm too much of a wimp to say, "Hey, can y'all stop talking about this until I'm 80? Or, better yet, just wait till I'm dead! Then wonder aloud at my casket to your heart's content!" I don't to come off as a maladjusted, insecure, whiny little bint in real life.
So, I sit here, curled around my bear all day, slowly making him fall apart even more. What I feel like on the inside, he shows on the outside. We're both falling apart, but in different ways.
Kinda funny how things work that way.
**A part of me says that I really should go back and edit this. That I need to clean it up and make sure that I'm saying everything I want to say and such. But I'm feeling pretty empty at the moment. I don't want to reread everything and put it all back in. Sorry folks. Oh, and this is cross-posted to my Xanga. Sorry Jacki.**
In any case, I find myself gravitating toward my laptop whenever I have something serious to write. Even if this means that I'm sitting in front of my computer, talking to people on AIM, with my laptop in my lap. Some days it sucks not to have wireless.
Right, so. I move out in a bit less than a month and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Where "thinking" is code for "freaking the fuck out inside".
Now, don't get me wrong. I can't wait to get away from my family. I haven't had the happiest childhood, or the best relationship with my parents and siblings, or anything that makes me regret leaving.
Except my bed. I have the comfiest bed ever. I'm going to miss it.
I can't wait to be relatively on my own. I can't wait to be in control of what I'm doing and where I'm going and such. I'm not dreading leaving the cushy security of never having to pay for anything and having my parents provide for me.
No, what I'm dreading is leaving my friends.
It's really the strangest thing. I'm convinced that I'm going to go off to college and everyone is going to stop talking to me. That no one's going to want to see me anymore. That it's going to become too much of a hassle when I live further away and that everyone - Lando, Jacki, and Jose included - are going to say "fuck it" and just stop.
Part of it is based in how I'm not going to be able to see everyone as often as I do. Whenever I want to they're going to have to pick me up from a T station (which is what I've designated everything everywhere, by the by. What, it has four wheels and drives on a road and is called a bus? And the thing it stops at is a bus stop? "Heathens!" I cry. "Everything is a T station! Your mom is a T station!"). Then let me crash on a couch because I am not going home for the first couple months, if I can help it. Then take me back to the T station in the morning.
And this is where my big "issue" with self confidence comes into play. I'm positive that it's not worth it. It's not worth the time and gas money for anyone to want to see me. They're not going to want to because I'm just an annoying, bratty kid. I never invite people over because they think (in my mind) that it's not worth it to drive half an hour or more to see me, so I might as well not even ask. But I'm desperate so I'll drive to Civilization or Rich CowTown or The City every time. I'm just pathetic like that.
Another part of it is that I have bad experiences with people leaving. People who move away or go off to college stop talking to me. It's as though it's impossible to be my friend if you can't seem me frequently. Lexi seems to be the exception to this rule, but Lexi is the exception to every rule. So I can't exactly use her as my people-barometer
Now, logically, that's wrong. First of all, I would be the one doing it since I'm the one leaving. Second of all, it's not as if I've ever seen Lando and Jose and Jacki and such people. Yet, hey, they're still friends with me! It's a miracle! So my changing locations shouldn't exactly create some sort of problem.
Logically nothing's really going to change. I'm still in the same state. I'm still within driving distance of all the people I consider friends. I'm still within talking distance of the friends I've never met.
Logically, I'm closer to Lexi. Logically, I can still get to my other friends. Logically this, logically that, logically logically logically.
Have I ever mentioned that I'm not good at viewing things logically?
That was one of the things that, I think, drove Jon nuts about me. I easily convince myself of things, I easily blow shit out of proportions, I easily start freaking out. I can step back and see why I'm being an emotional idiot and why I'm totally wrong, but I can't seem to stop being a totally wrong emotional idiot. And, because I trusted him, I felt comfortable in freaking out in front of him so that I'd have someone to calm me down and tell me I was W R O N G.
And look! He left for college! And less than two months in, we pretty much stopped speaking!
So, logically, anyone who would do the things that keep me up worrying all night wasn't all that much of a friend in the first place. Logically I should embrace that I'm going to be gone from this house soon and be 100% happy (minus the whole leaving-my-bed thing. Have I ever mentioned how damned comfy that bed is? It's like you're sinking into a pile of cloud.).
Logically, it shouldn't bother me when people start talking about how long it is until I leave, what I'm doing to get ready, stuff like that. Logically I shouldn't start thinking about how I'm never going to see that person again.
And yet, I do. And then my heart's racing and my stomach feels like someone has their fist in there and is squeezing everything. And suddenly it's too hot and I'm sweating and I've forgotten how to breathe and ohgodsI'mgonnadie.
Yet, I'm too much of a wimp to say, "Hey, can y'all stop talking about this until I'm 80? Or, better yet, just wait till I'm dead! Then wonder aloud at my casket to your heart's content!" I don't to come off as a maladjusted, insecure, whiny little bint in real life.
So, I sit here, curled around my bear all day, slowly making him fall apart even more. What I feel like on the inside, he shows on the outside. We're both falling apart, but in different ways.
Kinda funny how things work that way.
**A part of me says that I really should go back and edit this. That I need to clean it up and make sure that I'm saying everything I want to say and such. But I'm feeling pretty empty at the moment. I don't want to reread everything and put it all back in. Sorry folks. Oh, and this is cross-posted to my Xanga. Sorry Jacki.**
no subject
1. I think Jon is poopy for leaving you, due to my biasness towards you. But there will be more and better Jons, trust me.
2. You can always spill your guts to me, and if you bring me your bear I'll fix him and make him good as new.
3. You're looking at things from the wrong side. Its true that you might not see people as often as you'd like, but it will be more due to the work load and possibly, this... YOU'LL MAKE NEW FRIENDS! Northeastern has a population of.. I cant find it on the NU website, but its a lot. They have 140 clubs, and you will join: Band Association, Choral Society, Spectrum, Student Fanzone might be good whatever it is, and Hammered sounds VERY interesting. You'll make tons of friends and be happy. And the worth the gas thing? Just think: T to bus station. Concord Trailways to Concord bus station. Concord Area Transit to either MV or the Mall, MV is where I will pick you up, mall is walking distance to movie theatre where Mike will drive you to me! If he says no tell him I fired him.