Wow do I think too much

[the_wanlorn]

Just a bit of whining beneath the cut. Naught important in the long run. I want to double major in English. CS will get me money, but English is what I've wanted to do forever and ever. To me, it goes hand-in-hand with being a writer. My first one-on-one conversation with Dan - I don't remember how it started - was about a carrot. "Describe this carrot." He thrust it forth into my face, making sure I saw it. "It's orange. Circular no, spherical- no, conical- no-" The word 'cylinder' was escaping me; I was getting flustered. "Sheesh, you can't even describe a carrot! How do you expect to be an English major?" The carrot disappeared into his mouth, effectively ending that portion of the conversation. I could have protested. I could have took out a pen and a napkin, written something down - phrases about the dusky color, the grit of dirt under my fingers no matter how many times it's washed, the browning scars, the juicy snap in your mouth - and handed it to him. But I let it go. The sentence has become the refrain of everyone - save Jess - who enters our suite. Questions ending with "Why don't we ask the English major?" are met with "She can't even describe a carrot!" When I fumble when speaking, a "And you're going to be an English major?" is quickly thrown back at me. As I'm talking and making up a word because the correct one isn't coming to me quickly enough - "Can you hand me the squidgy thing?" "This pen?" "Yeah, that." - they mock with a "Wow, what a good English major you're going to be." It's not something I expected people to target. The CS portion, yeah, of course. But the English? That's new to me. Logically, this should not bother me. I am well aware that I do not speak well, that the pace of verbal conversation is often too rapid for me to be able to put my thoughts in order. I know that I'm more apt to make up a word, a description, than pause my sentence and figure out exactly what I'm trying to say. And I also know that the major has almost nothing to do with speaking. Yes, your grades rely on how well you are able to present your ideas. But those ides are being presented through writing. Writing. The discipline where you have time to think. You have time to order your thoughts, to perfect descriptions, to remember the correct word or phrase for eve object and desire you speak of. All that other people see is the final draft, in which all fumblings have been smoother out, laying flat and flowing with your words. "Hey Erin, I asked Amy* to describe a carrot and she could do it." "Oh yeah? What'd she say?" "That it was orange." "... That's it? That's the same thing I said." "No it's not. You called it a sphere!" "But I started out with the color. If I'd known you only wanted one word... Your shirt is orange. Does that make you a carrot?" It's conversations like these that make me realize that none of my 'friends' are in a place to judge. It's listening to them gang up on Jess in the common room, voicing over and over half-formed opinions - presented as irrevocable fact - that books written years ago can not have anything to do with current events. You can not apply the story, the theme, the message to events that came after the publishing date. According to them, the text has no meaning in the present, only the past. There is no possible way that these people could judge who will and who won't be able to make it in any given field, much one less that partially relies on interpreting things from the past and applying them on a more global scale. Yet, part of me still cringes every time they say something. A piece of me seriously worries that yes, they're right. The unformed crap that comes out of my mouth will prevent me from achieving any sort of success when it comes to this degree. Again, logically, that makes no sense, but that doesn't stop my mind from traveling over and over the possibility. I suppose I'm really disheartened over the entire thing. I don't want to say anything, because it's all in good fun, but it's unbelievably annoying. The difference between Jess and I, as she pointed out, is that when I get upset at things people are saying? I smile and nod, laugh at their oh-so-witty banter, then internalize for a while until I bomb their village as they sleep. She gets angry, reacts, let's them know that she's upset. So far, neither thing has worked (possibly because I have yet to reach the revenge stage of annoyance so they still think all is well and good). I'm not sure what I'm going to do. *Name changed because I am a doofus who can't remember who was being talked about.

Comments

Beautifully worded...

[philliesgal.livejournal.com]

Ditto! And to add, you phrased all of that amazingly well. I like steve's #1 rule: "fuck em." I think I am going to have to adopt it.

You are going to be whatever you set your mind to because you are smart, witty (a better version of smart), and you care about your future. They are just here to get an education to get a job, you are here to do that and pursue a passion. I find it impressive and inspiring. Stick to your guns and let me help when you decide to "bomb the village." Hehe! No Seriously!

K, thats all for now, see you in like two minutes when I get bored and decide to go visit your bedroom.

[kisurathegreat.livejournal.com]

Personally, I think it's much more powerful that you are capable of commanding a variety of words to encompass the concept of "carrot"--because English involves the stretching and juxtaposition of vocabulary. If all you can say about a carrot is "orange". . . . how pathetic is that? Instead, you were reaching for a much more dynamic and symbolic representation. After all, Moby Dick was much more than a story about a boy and his whale.

Cherie. . . . double major if it is what you love.

[crazyasitsounds.livejournal.com]

People frequently read books that were written hundreds of years ago specifically because the message is still applicable in today's society. People who don't realize that are morons.