In which our heroine gives you Schrödinger's cat

[the_wanlorn]

 
My cat follows me around in the morning.

This is nothing new. When I first captured him (which, um, was more like when he first waltzed into my parents' house, but capturing sounds more adventuresome), he would literally follow me around the apartment all day long and meow at the top of his tiny little lungs if I locked him up.

But he's over that now. He just follows me in the mornings because he likes to attack my legs when they move.


Anyway, mornings typically go as follows:
1) My first alarm goes off at 6am. Murphy is curled up next to me. We both wake up long enough for me to turn off the alarm, then go back to sleep.

2) My second alarm goes off at 7am. Murphy has got up to go do what cats do when everyone's asleep. I hit turn it off and go back to sleep.

3) 7:30, the third alarm goes off. Murphy pounces on me going "HI! HI! ARE YOU AWAKE? PET ME! HI! PURR PURR PURR HIIII! LET'S CUDDLE! *\o/*" I hit snooze and go back to sleep.

4) 7:35, alarm. Murphy is now standing with his back paws on my head and his front paws on the windowsill, chirruping at the birds outside. I hit snooze and go back to sleep.

5) 7:40, alarm. Murphy pounces again going "HIIIIII! GUESS WHAT IT'S TIME TO GET UP! AND PET ME! GET UP AND PET ME! ALSO, I'M GOING TO ATTACK YOUR RAT NOW AND GET ALL UPSET WHEN HE BITES ME!" I get up and trudge to the bathroom and take a shower while he prowls the bathroom and sits on the sink watching the water through the gap in the curtains.

6) 8:00, shower over. I get out and stumble to my room and sit down on my bed to surf the internet. Murphy, meanwhile, jumps into the shower long enough to get his feet soaking wet, then comes into my room and gets wet paw prints over everything. And stare at me while I'm naked. And purr.

7) 8:20, realize I have to leave in ten minutes and get dressed. Whenever I move, Murphy (who has been up until now sleeping against one of my legs) attacks my legs and clings to them. Claws go places where claws are not meant to go.

8) 8:30, refil water jug, take meds, find glasses and phone. Murphy takes a break from attacking my legs to walk along the counter and flick things off. I tell him to shut the fuck up he's going to wake up Beecher.

9) 8:35, leave the house. Which involves going >:( at the cat and telling him to get back, because he tries to go out the door with me.

EXCEPT FOR THIS MORNING. 1 through 3 went okay, but then I hit snooze a lot more and soon it was 8 and my alarm wouldn't let me hit snooze anymore. Plus, the cat was alternating jumping on me and poucing on the rat and that gets annoying real fast.

So I get up and go to the bathroom to take a whiz. The cat follows and stares at me. I turn around to flush the toilet and... he's there. With his paws up on the seat. Staring at my pee-filled toilet like he's going "Ah ha ha my friend, I remember you from yesterday. You thought you could get me wet without there being consequences? Well you thought wrong, and today is the today those consequences are going to come. >:)"

Meanwhile, I'm going "Cat, if you put your paw in there I am never touching you again."

And, you know, I'm going to leave you guys to decide how the story ends. Because I have work to do. :D
 

Comments

[sadface.livejournal.com]

So...basically your cat was trying to seduce you.

okay.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

Could you possible be more creepy? I'm never going to be able to look my cat in the eyes again!

[sadface.livejournal.com]

LOL FURRY.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

It's not my fault my cat's into bestiality!

[sadface.livejournal.com]

It only knows what you teach it :(

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

If that was true, he'd know how to sit-stay-come-liedown-rollover.

But he doesn't. So there.

[sadface.livejournal.com]

ITS LIKE THAT MEDICINES AND DRUGS THING, WANLORN.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

ARE YOU REFERRING TO ME EATING MY RAT'S MEDICINE? BECAUSE IT'S NOT MY FAULT IT TASTED GOOD.

God I hope you were, otherwise I've just let slip an entirely embarrassing piece of information.

[sadface.livejournal.com]

i don't even know how to respond to that.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

...:(

ihu most of all. I'm deleting this entire thread.

[sadface.livejournal.com]

It's okay, baby, I understand how you might have wanted to become closer to your rat after the cat incident, I mean, acting out like that, sharing medicine, it's only natural.

No-one's judging you here.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

>:( Shut your face! It tasted like that pink stuff you got when you were little and sick! And the spoon thing!

>:(

[sadface.livejournal.com]

It's okay. Everyone sees it that way.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

:( I feel like you are just placating me and are secretly loling behind my back.

[sadface.livejournal.com]

I think you have bigger things to be worried about.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

>:( It was just that once!

[shadowkitty.livejournal.com]

LOL yes we are.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

:( IHU both.

[tl--dr.livejournal.com]

Have you seen his balls? That cat's asking for it.

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

Life would be so boring without cats and yours is a particularly brilliant and insane one. :D But what is that thing with attacking legs? Particularly when there's nothing covering them to protect against claws? My cat does that all the time. Or, she'll wander in to a room, notice a bare leg and either a) lick it and walk off, or, b) bite it and walk off.

What goes on in their brains?

Also, I love your sequence of alarms.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

Oh my god I don't know, but we have this cheap little... box

OKAY WAIT. I just spent half an hour fucking google to figure out what it was so that I didn't have to get out of bed to go find the package and look for it when I realized IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT IS A COLLAPSIBLE CUBE FOR THE CAT TO PLAY IN WITH STREAMERS ON THE ROOF WTF.

So. We have that. And Murphy, being the brainiac he is, will sit in it thinking that he's hidden from us. And whenever I walk by, he SPRINGS out and wraps his paws around my leg and won't let go. So I end up walking around the apartment with a cat attached to my thigh.

Alarms: and yet, I'm still late to work 9 times out of 10. I actually used to have alarms at different spots throughout my room that were set to go off a half hour after the previous one (starting at 6am). And I would get out of bed, walk across my room to wherever the particular one was, turn it off, and go right back to sleep.

So I gave that up, since clearly it wasn't working, and now my phone just rings at those three times from its spot right next to my head.

[emiweebee.livejournal.com]

Srsly, whenever I come to stay, I am stealing that cat.

Of course, it's all fun and games until he marks all my stuff.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

lLOLOLOL see, you think it's amusing now, when you're all alert and awake and happy. But trust me, at 7am, you're feelings toward this are more in the vein of "OH MY GOD CAT DO NOT FOLLOW ME INTO THE BATHROOM FFS IHU"

[emiweebee.livejournal.com]

Okay. Next time you are coming within NJ's gravitational pull, you are stopping here, and I am feeding you snack food and seeing your reaction to MY cat. Because, OMG.

Tonight, as we defrosted a roll for veggieburgers, she waltzed right up and tried to take a chunk out of it.