True Blood 1x06

[the_wanlorn]

THE CAT. LICKING GRAN'S BLOOD. I will never stop lolling.

AND OH BILL :( WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE WHY DID YOU KILL GRAN :( He really is stalking her. POORLY, BTW. BILL >:( YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LET THE STALKEE KNOW YOU'RE STALKING HER.

They're pushing real hard to make it look like Sam's the serial killer. And you know what? I'm choosing to believe that this is true. I DON"T CARE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BOOKS OKAY I DON'T CARE SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

♥ANDY AND BUFF♥ OH GOD all I want from life is fic of the Andy and Buff comedy hour. SERIOUSLY.

I love how Sam's all trying to protect Sookie and Bill's all like "...ahahahaha are you seriously? Sookie would kick your ass if she knew you were saying this. NOW I AM GOING TO INTENSE AT YOU FOR A BIT."

LOOOOOOOL BUFF HAS SEEN WORSE. BIG CHUNKS OF BRAIN ALL OVER THE TEEVEE. I GUESS SHE WANTED TO WATCH SOMETHIN' ELSE. No, seriously, I would watch them all day. "VAMPIRE BILL SAID-" ">:( WHAT YOU'RE ON FIRST NAME BASIS NOW?"

And oh Bill. You didn't realize Gran was your friend? :( Oh BB. "Kinda late to be makin' house calls." "..." "Oh, right, I guess you don't sleep."

ALSO here's the thing I'm wondering. If Bill could hear Sookie drive up, why couldn't he hear Gran screaming? I mean, I'm sure she was.

JASON YOU ARE SUCH A SLEAZE. AND SOOKIE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO SLEEP AT BILL'S. WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE. And oh my god Sookie, you don't have to clean that up. :( They got people for that, bb.

WHY DON'T SOOKIE AND BILL AND SAM GO BACK TO BILL'S PLACE? I MEAN, IDK. IT MAKES SENSE. Also it would be hilarious if Bill tried to help Sookie clean up the blood ahahahahahaha D:

&TARA; I can not say that enough. I hope she fucking kills all the creepy old people hanging around for bothering Sookie, especially Maxine Fortenberry. ACTUALLY. I HOPE TARA KILLS THEM ALL. OH MY GOD LEAVE SOOKIE ALONE. I love how Tara is like "SAM, STAY >:( LAFAYETTE, COME >:(". And Lafayette's giving her valium. I thought he didn't have legal shit. >:( LAFAYETTE DID YOU LIE TO JASON OR IS VIAGRA JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

&RENE; YOU ALL SHUT YOUR MOUTH I DON'T EVEN CARE.

When she's around him, she's too busy taking care of him to feel like a freak, that's what she means. OH MY GOD DID JASON JUST FUCKING HIT SOOKIE? YOU FUCKING BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM TARA OH MY GOD.

Actually, it would be amazing if Jason were the killer. That would be so fucking wonderfully amazing I would love it to bits and it would be totally more awesome than, you know.

OH TARA. THERE YOU GO KICKING SAM OUT LIKE HE'S JUST ANOTHER VULTURE. ILUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

LOOOOOOOL SOOKIE CALLING FOR BILL WHILE THE SUN'S ULOL BILL SLEEPS IN THE CRAWLSPACE UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS AHAHAHAHAHAHA

AND NOW HE'S STANDING ON THE LAWN STARING UP AT HER WINDOW WITH A BOTTLE OF TRU BLOOD. WITH THE WEREDOG THAT ISN'T SAM. I AM CRYING WITH LOLZ YOU GUYS CRYING WITH LOLZ AHAHAHAHAHAH and now i'm just crying because it's Gran's funeral and everyone in this town except for Tara and Lafayette and I guess Sam is a piece of shit *sob*

I can't believe I'm saying this, but &Tara's mum;

I hope Sookie runs to Bill's house and lets herself in and sits in his brooding chair

NO I TAKE BACK THE &TARA'S MUM; FUCK YOU CRAZY LADY THE ONLY DEMON INSIDE OF YOU IS CALLED ALCOHOLISM.

Sookie, what in god's name are you wearing to run across the field to Bill's? No, seriously, that is kind of creepy. D:

"Tara, what just happened, did I do something?" MAKES ME GO "Sookie, was I... was I not good?"

I AM EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT HOW HAPPY SOOKIE/BILL MAKES ME. LOL PREMATURE FANGULATION. OH MY GOD WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT ENDS WITH BILL BITING SOOKIE????? WHERE IS THE HILARIOUS MORNING AFTER?????

WHAT THE FUCK SHOW! Is it next week yet?

Comments

[inkdot.livejournal.com]

WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?

1. Bill jumping out all "BOO!" at poor Sookie standing over her dead grandmother. FFS, BILL. GROW A BRAIN YOU REJECT. On the other hand, Bill being all, "Friend? What is... friend?" when Andy and Buff say that he and Gran were friends? BILL. ;_;
2. Andy and Buff kill me. I think I just need to write that fic. A day in their lives as law enforcement types. A day in their lives when there's not a serial killer running amok, that is.
3. Sookie cleaning up the blood nearly killed me. Oh, Sookie, bb. No. You must not, bb.
4. Jason is such a fucking failbot, I want to beat him with something. My love for Tara knows no bounds. She didn't hesitate to kick his ass and protect Sookie. &TARA; NOT ENOUGH &TARA; IN THE WOOOOORLD.
5. Bill's dream, then him waking up and looking at his watch all, "GRAAAARGH! >:(" cracked my shit up.
6. I found the whole thing with Tara and her mother really sad and moving and pathetic. Tara doesn't want to hope but she can't help herself and just. Oh Tara. I'm such a Tara!Wife.
7. Sookie's flowing, ~virginal~ nightgown kiiiiiiilled me. Bill's all :D? :D? on the porch. What.
8. As much as I want to beat Jason's face in, he made me kind of sad when he failfully told Sookie that they shouldn't fight because all they have is each other, and she was like NO U and then he goes off to have more faily, empty sex. Like, Jason. FFS. Stop.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

1. INORITE?? It's like he was all "Oh dear, my sort-of-girlfriend seems to be standing horrified over her grandmother's dead body. How can I cheer her up... I KNOW! A GOOD SCARE SHOULD DO IT!" Really though, he's so sad and pathetic.

2. SEE THIS WOULD BE MARVELOUS. LIKE, I CAN'T EVEN VOCALIZE HOW ABSOLUTELY AMAZING IT WOULD BE.

3. Seriously, why didn't Sam stop her? FFS SAM YOU ARE KIND OF USELESS AND DUMB.

5. I LOL'D SO HARD. I JUST. THE LOOK. ON HIS FACE. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH BILL YOU FAILBOT, YOU REALLY NEED A CELL PHONE. And then him DASHING WOOOOOOOOOSH PAST TARA AND LAFAYETTE UP TO HER ROOM AND PANICKING BECAUSE SHE WAS ALL VALIUMY. &BILL; YOU CAN BE ADORABLE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN BE FAILY.

6. I really want to just beat the shit out of her mum. I mean, it started off touching and stuff, but then when she was like "THERE'S A DEMON INSIDE ME" it went straight to "Oh shut the fuck up you fucking piece of shit alcoholic and go step in front of a bus >:(" LOL PROJECTING INO.

7. LIKE I AM SO TORN BY THAT. BECAUSE IT WAS CREEPY VIRGINAL WEDDING NIGHT CREEPINESS. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, it, idk. IT WAS JUST CREEPY OKAY.

8. So, like. I'm back to hating Jason instead of being ambivalent because he wasn't lulzily high this time. But now he's all... sad and pathetic too. Like, before it was faily sex, but it was sex that he enjoyed, you know? So he was a huge fucking douchebag. And now it's faily, empty meaningless sex and it's, idk, more sad and pathetic now. BUT STILL. PUNCH HIS FUCKING FACE IN.

*PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[inkdot.livejournal.com]

1. Oh Christ. I can just picture him standing behind her in the darkness, hemming and hawing about the appropriate course of action. "What should I do? I can't ask Sookie, obviously... I wish I had the Google machine with me, it would know!"

2. INORITE? I need to do it.

3. I know. I feel badly for Sam because he knows Sookie (rightfully) doesn't appreciate being told what to do, but seriously. She just found her grandmother practically beheaded on her kitchen floor. She needs to go somewhere else and sleep right now. I wish Tara had been there - she would have dragged her off. Sam has too much invested in not pissing Sookie off for him to just be a good friend to her.

5. INORITE? As he shakes his fist at the sun. Also, let's stop and imagine Sookie's face when she finds out that HE SLEEPS IN THE FUCKING CRAWLSPACE. Like. Just. What, you can't paint the windows upstairs black and board them up? You need to sprawl out in the dirt under the floorboards? Seriously?

6. I know. I was happy that Tara basically told her to GTFO for that. &Tara; When she went to her mum's place and climbed onto the couch with her? Oh, Tara. You poor thing. ILHER.

7. INORITE? I can't even cope with how hilarious that was. It's like Sookie was thinking, "What best advertises my lol virginity to my new vampire boyfrand? I KNOW, A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE DRESS MADE OUT OF OUR OLD BATHROOM CURTAINS!" You know Bill loved it, too.

What's that dashing over my lawn?





8. I know. I wanted to hammer his face SO FUCKING HARD when he smacked Sookie. FUCK YOU, PAL. But then his new ladyfrand's humping away and he's just lying there and he starts to cry? Oh Jason, you fucking idiot with hobvious mommy issues. :(

9. >:DDDDDDD

Re: *PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[inkdot.livejournal.com]

...I LIKE HOW I START EVERY RESPONSE WITH EITHER "I KNOW", "INORITE", OR A PERVY ANGY FACE. LOL HAD A BRAIN TUMOUR FOR BREAKFAST.

Re: *PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

THE BEST PART IS THAT YOU ALTERNATE THEM. ♥

Re: *PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[inkdot.livejournal.com]

It's like I was unconsciously going, "Oh, shouldn't use INORITE too much, certainly wouldn't want people to think I'm a halfwit, ha ha!"

;_;

Re: *PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

1. OH GOD if he could he would've left to ask the Google machine and then came back. I SWEAR HE WOULD'VE.

3. SERIOUSLY WHY DIDN'T EITHER SAM OR BILL DRAG HER THE HELL AWAY AND BE LIKE "STOP BEING IN SHOCK SOOKIE >:( i mean, well, don't stop being in shock, because being in shock is an appropriate reaction, but LOOK JUST COME STAY WITH ME" or something like that.

5. OH MY GOD THEY HAD SEX IN FRONT OF THE FIRE PLACE SURROUNDED BY CANDLES BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A BED, DOES HE. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS SHIT JUST KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER AND FUNNIER I'M BUSTING A GUT HERE.

6. Yeah, I was all OH TARA NO DO NOT GET SUCKED BACK IN NOW THAT YOU'RE free DDDDD:

7. And he was just STANDING on the PORCH. LIKE WHAT WAS HE DOING STANDING ON THE PORCH WHILE SHE RAN THROUGH THE GRAVEYARD OR WHATEVER. WAS HE TRYING TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO GO SEE HER? WAS HE WONDERING WHAT WAS THAT RUNNING TOWARD HIS HOUSE?

And then he scoops her up and carries her over the threshold. THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG WITH THAT AND YET I AM SITTING HERE ALTERNATELY LOLING AND GOING "Awwwwwww!"

8. I totally overreacted to him hitting Sookie with ANGER OF EPIC PROPORTIONS. lol waaaaaaaaay overinvested in a fictional character. :D:

Re: *PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[inkdot.livejournal.com]

1. He would have had to print out the FAQ on grief etiquette from the mainstreaming vampires Yahoo! group.

3. They're both useless. They both wander off like, "WELL OKAY THEN TTYL, BB!" while Sookie goes inside to scrub the blood off the fucking floor.

5. LOLOLOL. Okay, now I want to see that conversation. We got to see Sookie's dream!seduction techniques, now I want to see the part where he carried her inside and she's all, "Let's go upstairs to your bedroom! :D?" and he's like, "Uh. So here's the thing... D:"

6. Poor Tara. I want to hug her, srsly.

7. He could feel her presence or something, idek. He knew she was coming and that she meant business. >)

cleolinda made some comment in one of her recaps about how it's baffling that you can find the scenes hot/hilarious at the same time. It's so true. :D:

8. It's okay. I yelled, "OH JASON NO! >:(" My mum was all, "What?!" from the other room.

Re: *PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

1. Oh god, I can imagine her feeling something crinkly while she's hugging him, and going "What's in your pocket?" and him going "Uh, nothing just, uh, a burger wrapper from earlier." (EXCEPT SOMETHING MORE PERIOD APPROPRIATE AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO SAY THAT ABOUT A SHOW SET IN THE NOW) and her going "Bill, you don't eat burgers anymore."

OR EVEN BETTER. HIM TRYING TO SURREPTITIOUSLY READ THE NEXT THING HE'S SUPPOSED TO DO AS HE'S HUGGING HER. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

3. Didn't Sam bring her the mop? And instead of helping kind of stood their watching while she stared at the bloody water in the bucket or something? I MEAN, AT LEAST BILL HAD THE EXCUSE OF IT BEING DAWN, YOU KNOW?

5. NO MAN. What I want is him, like. Going out and buying a bed and stuff because now that Sookie's slept with him, he'll need a bed so they don't have to do it on the floor every time. AND THEN SOOKIE IS ALL "Uh, Bill, I don't think we should... it was the grief, see."

AND THEN THIS WHOLE HILARIOUS PHONE CALL BIT.

..you know, for someone who ships Sookie/Bill, I have an inordinate amount of love for her breaking it off with him D:

7. It's honestly like his Sexy Voice. You're all "Ahahahaha OH BILL YOUR SEXY VOICE IS HILARIOUS. IT'S LIKE A PARODY OF A SEXY V

Re: *PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[inkdot.livejournal.com]

YESSSSSSS. He's all peeking at it over her shoulder.

Seriously. Also, Buff and Andy failed big time when Sookie was like, "I want to clean things up" and they're like, "Sure, sounds great, TTYL!" Fucking useless, all of you!

"I just want to buy a bed! Why isn't Sears Home open after dark?!" I think we just enjoy torturing Bill.

Even when he's faily, it's working. How can this be? I hate his hair, though. Go back and compare it to the first episode. I think he started bathing regularly or something, but his hair is crap.

Re: *PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHA I bet when he left he was like "Oh damnit, I forgot to say sorry, like Sookie told me last time. :("

I just lol'd at them, because it was just another bit of the Buff and Andy comedy hour. Like, they were distracted thinking about whether or not Jason did it and were just like "Oh, yeah, sure, later Sook." because they wanted to go sit at the station and argue about it.

The best part of this show is the part where Bill is being tortured somehow (OH HEY THAT'S SOMETHING WE HAVEN'T SEEN YET, BILL BEING ACTUALLY LITERALLY TORTURED. I WOULD NOT SAY NO TO THAT). Sookie would dump him and he'd go home and see the bed and destroy it and go cry IN THE CRAWLSPACE UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS AHAHAHAHA

His hair really is getting worse. D: But now I can't stop thinking that he started bathing because he wanted to ~look good for Sookie~ so that she wouldn't get distracted by other men. OH BILL.

Re: *PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[inkdot.livejournal.com]

Ha! Seriously. As he stomps off to his house, grumbling about leaving her there with Sam and forgetting to say sorry and dammit this mainstreaming had better be worth it...

Seriously. He's so amusing when he's tortured. LOL BEATING UP THE FIREPLACE WITH A TOASTER AND SMASHING UP YOUR NEW BED WILL NOT BRING YOUR DEAD FAMILY BACK, BB.

Hahaha, seriously. He went home after meeting Sookie for the first time and he was like, "The hair's kinda greasy. Eric's hair is so soft and long. Maybe that's why he gets all the ladies? I wonder if that Jesse guy had any shampoo..."

Re: *PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

SO, THIS TIME IT'S "HAHA, SERIOUSLY", IS IT?

You know, I think that I could be perfectly happy just writing missing scenes from the episodes that consist 100% of Bill being hilariously faily.

I've read so much vampire fiction and fanfic that I'm just kind of like "You know Bill, you probably could have made it work, at least for a few years. THAT'S THE REAL REASON WHY YOU'RE TRYING TO GIVE THE FIREPLACE BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA WITH THE POOR TOASTER, ISN' T IT?"

Re: *PICKS CEMETERY FLOWERS IN A FLOWING, GAUZY WHITE NIGHTGOWN*

[inkdot.livejournal.com]

SHUT UP OKAY.

I would also be happy with that. I'd be happy just to watch Bill fail it up and Sookie look awkwardly away.

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