SEMI-ANNUAL MELTDOWN? AWESOME!

[the_wanlorn]

Oh jesus internet, I have so many emails (and other forms of non-IM electronic communication) to reply to. So, so many. And instead of working on replying to them, I'm sitting here going "DDDDD: OH JESUS THAT ONE IS FROM LAST WEEK DDDDDD: I AM SUCH AN AWFUL PERSON DDDDDDDD: THAT PERSON MUST BE SO CROSS WITH ME FOR BEING SO RUDE DDDDDDDDDDDDDD:"

Because that is so helpful.

SO IF YOU'VE SENT ME AN EMAIL/COMMENT/PM/ETC AND I HAVE NOT REPLIED I am sorry. My goal for the week is to get it back down to my base level of "emails I can't deal with because I've let them go for so long but I need to deal with them because I'm a horrible person if I don't" emails (the majority of which are from last year).

(I am probably never actually going to respond to those.)

Also! Apparently, even though there are summer classes, my college's health center is not open during the summer. Which is SORT OF A PROBLEM as I NEED TO GET REFILLS FOR MY MEDS IN A BIT LESS THAN A MONTH. I was able to dig out the referral the first dude wrote for me so that the insurance will pay for visits to an actual meds doctor, but I am paralyzed by having to find someone near me and call them and find out if they are taking new patients and make an appointment. THIS IS SUPER UNFORTUNATE.

IN HAPPIER NEWS today has been spent collecting and sifting through everything I have related to my AWESOME NOVEL THAT IS SO AWESOME (and by "everything" I mean "my writing journal because getting my external drive off the shelf is too much effort"). AND, INTERNET, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU:

WILL I ALWAYS BE INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSMENT SQUICKED BY THINGS I WROTE LAST YEAR? I mean, if I write something today, and I look back on it in a year, am I going to be embarrassment squicked by how awful it is? BECAUSE, LET ME TELL YOU, THAT MAKES IT AWFUL HARD TO BUCKLE DOWN AND WRITE ANYTHING. BECAUSE PRACTICE IS FOR LOSERS.

Man, this is not at all the two and a half book reviews I wanted to write today.

Comments

[horchata]

So, I have a Tumblr and on that tumblr dashboard, someone posted a link to this article and this following quote about something called a shame spiral:

Mr. Katchen is in a shame spiral, so embarrassed of his repeated failure to execute a task as simple as firing off a friendly missive and clicking “reply” that he’d rather wallow in his own disgrace than confront the source of it.

But what is a shame spiral? It’s a pattern of behavior: Person screws up; person feels ashamed of said screw-up; person’s shame spirals out of control into a whirlwind of avoidance and self-loathing—one that is made especially complex by the hyper-connectedness of modern life. There are more ways to communicate with people than ever before, and this also means more ways to avoid them.

And, like, when I read that, for me, it was an awakening, because I do that shit all the time. I get so worked up about something stupid like e-mailing my professor to say that I'm struggling, or calling my mom back when she calls me because she hasn't heard from me in a while, things like that. There's this e-mail from these girls who are looking for a roommate, and it was to go see their place today, and they sent it three days ago, and I still haven't responded to tell them I couldn't go, and now the day has passed without me e-mailing back and it's so ridiculous and I feel really faily.

I just, I don't know if this is what you're feeling, but I thought I'd post the article anyway, because it sounds a little similar. And reading the article helped me understand everything a little bit more.

I really hope you're feeling better. ♥

[the_wanlorn]

Oh lord, I know, right? I think I reblogged that with something like "LOL ME EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY :(" It is so awful and every time everyone is like "Dude! No one is going to be pissed! Just respond to the emails/etc.!" and every time I am like "NO I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON OH GOD DDDDDDDDD:" and every time it turns out they're right and I'm wrong AND YET I CAN'T STOP DOING IT.

Fuck yeah, crazy in the brain.

♥!

[kate]

♥

[eggcrack]

WILL I ALWAYS BE INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSMENT SQUICKED BY THINGS I WROTE LAST YEAR?

Yes. Constant embarrassment about our previous works is a natural part of writer's life cycle and one of those things we just have to learn to deal with.

Hope the melt-down passes soon! ♥

[the_wanlorn]

Noooooooooooooooooooo ;____________;

[thereinafter]

I do this constantly with emails/comments and it is the worst feeling :( Also, I think being embarrassed by your old stuff happens with all kinds of creative work, because I get it with old paintings as well as writing. But it means you got better! :D?

[the_wanlorn]

It's like, it is so easy just to reply to an email! Half of these emails just need for me to go "Thank you for your time! :D :D :D" at them (in, you know, less formal words and also less emoticons) AND YET. >:(

[thereinafter]

I know, right? I wish I had a person to answer correspondence for me.