the_wanlorn | ::sigh::

This sucks ass.

When I was sad or upset, I used to just stick it out and wait for myself to feel better alone.

Then I used to want to talk to Jon. I'd sit online until he came on and then talk to him about whatever and I'd feel better.

And then I wanted to go see him whenever I was feeling bad. Just because being near him made me feel better and talking to him would make me feel better.

But now I can't do either. Cuz what am I supposed to say? "I'm just wicked upset cuz you dumped me and I'm still kinda afraid that you just don't like me anymore. Period." There's nothing he can do about that and it would just make him feel bad (I think) and I don't want to do that. And I know right now that going to see him would make both of us feel worse.

Damnit, I thought that I was done crying.

I want someone to hold me while I cry, but I don't have anyone. I wish Lexi still lived here so I could go over there right now.

I've spent this whole skool year wishing it was still June, because in June, neither of us was upset or stressed or all-that-anxious or what have you. Now I wish that it was still June just because everything was okay then. Or so I'm led to believe.

I can't stop feeling like this is somehow my fault. It seems as though every time I cry in front of someone, something bad happens. It's why I don't do it. I still feel, unrealistically I know, that there was something I could've done. I have so much homework I need to do, but I don't feel like doing any of it. Me and calc aren't mixing all that well, but I think that's cuz I need someone standing over me, pointing out what I'm doing wrong for a bit before I start to be able to see it for myself.

Oh well. Lexi says it will get better and I trust that she knows what she's talking about.

::sigh::

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