Oh dear

[the_wanlorn]

I'm just beginning to realize how much I lost. Even if my parents don't love me, at least Lexi and Jon do. Except now Jon doesn't. I was going to spend most of Christmas break at his house so that I didn't have to deal with my family. I can't do that anymore. I don't have anyone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be all right. Just... so much stuff. It's not fair. I still feel as though if neither of us were so bloody stressed out, this wouldn't've happened and that we should say something like, "Okay, in December (or January or whatever) when we're both calmed down a bit, we'll try again for a couple weeks (or however long) and if that doesn't work, then it wasn't supposed to." Logically, I know that would just hurt both of us. But... I can't seem to wrap my mind around that I can't go see him twice a week or so anymore. It still feels like if I'd done something different, or known that he was feeling like this, or whatever, that... He used to be able to make me feel better when I was feeling bad, just by being near me. What am I supposed to do now that he's the one making me hurt? Every time the phone rings, I have a moment of hoping that it's him, calling and saying this was all a big mistake. And I need to stop doing that, cuz he's not going to. I still dream about him at night. I wonder if he dreams about me... :-(

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You can't love others until you love yourself.