Rambling

[the_wanlorn]

Okay, so. I should be reading and taking notes for my huge research paper. But I don't want to. So I figure I'll spam you all with random ramblings until I get bored. I'm exhausted. But I'm more awake than I have been all week. I really like the band/singer/person Ben Folds. Not Ben Folds Five (although I do like them). Just plain ol' Ben Folds. MassAcademy killed me. It killed a lot of the things that I did that I loved. Then during the summer, I didn't see any need to resume them. But I am now. I'm finding all of the online comics I read religiously up until February. I'm searching out all of my celtic/folk/gothic music. A lot of it's gone, so I'm redownloading it all. Have I mentioned how much I like Ben Folds yet? I've been thinking about next year a lot lately. It's kind of funny. I talked to a lot of my friends and found out that they weren't going too far away. Then suddenly I managed to find time to go ask teachers for recommendations and to start on my essays and stuff. Was I procrastinating because of some faint hope that if I didn't go away, no one else would? For years, all I've wanted was to get out of this house; the time has come to set the ball in motion and I didn't jump on it. Do you ever start crying for no reason? Moving out holds its appeal right now. I would say that 30% of the time I'm sitting here, I'm thinking about moving, getting an apartment, fending for myself. What's the appeal? Paying taxes, worrying about bills, dealing with a job. Why do I want all those things? Or is it just that the benefits far outweight those setbacks? Maybe I just want change. All my problems will be solved if things change, right? B term is good, but I can't wait for C term. I'm getting a free ride at home, but I can't wait to be on my own. Kind of ironic, since I hate change. Wednesday's bad but Friday's ain't much better. That sentiment needs to be pounded into my brain. You would think I would've realized it by now, what with my gray haze of life. Anybody want to write a 12 page paper on why jazz experienced such growth in the 60s? So far, I'm bad at being proud of myself. Christmas. I want it. I want today to be the 27th. I want to go out and buy a Christmas tree, set up a mini one in my room, string lights from my ceiling. I want to come up with a list of things that I want for my birthday, then cross off whatever I get and submit the same list for Christmas. But I want my own Christmas. I want my own traditions. Or I want to go back to when I was little. When we put up and decorated the tree the day after my birthday. When I waited up all night so that I could go open my presents at 6am. Before I discovered that everything I was going to get was up in Mum&Da's closet, before I started checking out what I was getting before the 25th. Before all the holidays became last-minute. Back when I could actually get what I wanted for Christmas because everything was cheap and material. I'm never going to be able to go out to the Christmas tree on Christmas morning and rip the paper off a box that I tear open to find Unconditional Love inside. Everybody wants to take, nobody wants to give. That's why Nire was born. But watch out; soon she's going to give too much or everyone's going to take too much, and there'll be no more left. I think I'm just going to make 30 or so entries today - a new one whenever a thought strikes me. It feels like I'm losing my thoughts.

Comments

[tawmiz.livejournal.com]

pfft, who takes notes these days? just write it! :-D

i love it when people organize their thoughts into paragraphs. it makes it so much easier to read. :-)

Wednesday's bad but Friday's ain't much better. That sentiment needs to be pounded into my brain. You would think I would've realized it by now, what with my gray haze of life. Why does this look familiar? :-P

im too addicted to AIM smiley faces.

[(Anonymous)]

oh yeah, I named a dog after Fred Jones pt 2. Mr. Jones. Of course, it was actually like a Ben Folds/Beatles/Counting Crows/somebody else I forget reference. Good song.

--Lando

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, also did you know that "Cigarette" by BF5 is sort of the unofficial Fred Jones Part 1? here are the lyrics:

"Fred jones was worn down
From caring for his often
Screaming and crying wife
Burning the day but
He couldn’t sleep at night for fear that she
In a stupor from the drugs that didn’t even
Ease the pain would set the house on blaze
With a cigarette."

Wow. So, Fred just didn't have a very happy life at all, did he?

--Lando